I'm a burn-the-candle-at-both-ends kinda gal. This may sound boastful, but it's one of my worst qualities. I have this super fun habit of powering forth until I literally make myself sick, which is why I'm writing you from a DayQuil-induced haze.
In case I haven't mentioned this to you in the last five minutes- I have the flu.
On Sunday I was teaching a Just Add Yoga event. Half way through class I realized that I was still wearing my sweatshirt and shoes. I have literally never taught a yoga class with shoes on. I also realized that I had the cold-sweats. I told myself that that it was probably nerves- there were about 50 people in that room!- but, LOL, it was not.
You know when you are really nervous about something, you word to hold it together, and then it's over and you feel your bowels relax and you feel like you might shit yourself? That feeling you get once the adrenaline goes away and you realize you are turning into a Dementor? Well, this was essentially me teaching yesterday. I felt fabulous during class, but the second I got into the car I got a good case o' the chills and realized that I was super-duper (can we collectively agree to bring that phrase back?) sick. I contemplated crying to my fiance, but reminded myself that I had a little bit of pride left.
I realized last week that I'm a bit of a bad yogi. Sure, I tell my students to take care of themselves, but I like to do the opposite. My sleep schedule is questionable at best. I am a donut addict. Veggies are good, but so is beer. While I tell people to take breaks in class, I hardly ever allow myself the same luxury. I gotta get sweaty, guys! I can't let my students see me take breaks! How embarrassing! I shouldn't say that I don't take care of myself, I do, but I do not practice the same kindness towards myself that I ask my students to practice. I want to do all the things, all the time.
Last week I went to a meditation event. I love the idea of meditating. I think it's rad as shit and I truly admire the people who are able to harness that inner strength to both sit still and relax, but I can't do it. I've tried a million times. Whenever I get that relaxed in a stationary position I fall asleep. I woke myself up snoring in the middle of a meditation class. You know what that means? If I was snoring loud enough to wake myself up then everybody around me could probably hear me, too. I had one of those terrible feeling of oh my god I hope I never see these people again this is so mortifying but, the Seattle yoga community is an adorable family, so I will likely see all of those people again and again and again.
When I got home, I was a little bit pissed at myself. What kind of yoga teacher falls asleep at a meditation event? Yoga teachers are supposed to be these beautiful goddesses, and I had literally just been snoring and drooling all over myself at a public event. I would not be surprised if I farted in my sleep too, because #VeganProblems.
When I first started practicing, I would follow my teachers everywhere. I imagined them all to be these perfect beacons of health. I envisioned them going to bed at 8 PM, waking with the sun, drinking hot water with lemon for breakfast, meditating, aligning their chakras, taking 5 classes a day, volunteering at animal shelters, cooking beautiful farm-to-table meals, and then doing it all over again the next day. I assumed they were all perfect. I still have this weird expectation that every yoga teacher is like this, even though I know I am obviously not. I will never give up donuts. You will have to pry them from my cold, dead hands.
At my studio, we are working on a fun project where we show our students that our teachers are real humans, too. That we like to do things other than yoga, that we like to eat donuts (*cough*), and that we also struggle to practice sometimes. It's a reminder to our students that we are humans. Yoga teachers- they're just like you!
(That joke was terrible and I'm sorry but I can't bring myself to delete it.)
I'm glad I'm a bad yogi. I'm glad that I suck at taking breaks and taking care of myself because it forces me to constantly. I'm glad that I am terrible at meditating, because it's made me find other ways to meditate- like running or adult coloring books. I'm glad that I push myself until I literally get sick or injured, because it helps me remind my students not to do the same thing. Being a bad yogi makes me a better teacher, I think, because I'm working on all this shit, too. It forces me to be introspective, if you will. It's also a good reminder to me that it's OK to suck at something. Like meditating. Or taking breaks. My intention for 2017 was not to take better care of myself, but it's slowly starting to move that way and I'm pretty glad.
I'm also glad that I am not ashamed to admit I am going to take a nap now.
Bad yogis, unite!
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